BODO. Common test 1. Thought I would do better than that. Guess not. B for maths, D for bio. 1 mark less for chem and I would have gotten an F. And I studied physics the most. And yar. O. My fault...didn't start earlier. Complacent.

Today was quite bad. Started out bad, ended quite ok, just that now I feel stupid. Foolish. Broke down in school today. Had a surprise napfa test for PE. Wasn't prepared for it cos was feeling rather down. Then I had to psyche myself up for napfa. So fine. Did 4 items flawlessly. Then came broad jump. I thought it was a mistake doing it after shuttle run. So I jumped. And I jumped. Jumped for about 10-20 times. Normally I can only jump about 2-3 times before my legs die on me. But today no matter how I jumped, I just couldn't get my C. Jump until my legs felt like collapsing under me. Very stupid, considering Cdans is just 2 days away. Felt very stupid. One last try. Jump, cannot make it. Then suddenly I just broke down. Not because of the jump. The jump was just a trigger. So dumb. So very dumb. Ms Lim tried to talk to me to find out the reason. Then she prayed for me. Haiz. I should learn to pon leasons if I'm not feeling too good. Ok maybe not.

Think everything just accumulated and I forgot to let it out bit by bit. Haiz.
- Training for Cdans. Reach home at 10-11 everyday from tuesday to thursday, Tuesday cos of physics tuition. Have been sleeping for 5.5 to 6.5 hours each night for 3-4 nights consecutively. Not too good cos I won't feel good the next day. Will tend to fall asleep in class. It might seem like a lot for some people but...
- Bio. The teachers kept reminding us of how badly we did etc etc. And in my head, I'm like "It's not my fault!! I know my facts, but you just don't accept them phrased like this! I just missed out a small bit and you just marked the whole thing wrong?! But no...it's still my fault cos I should have studied more and memorised all the notes. Should have. So in the end, it's my fault."
- Bio again. Didn't do one question for tutorial. The whole class didn't complete what we were supposed to. So Mrs Chee got angry. Again, it's my fault cos I wasted my weekend away!!! I waste too much time on the computer!! Btw I can't remember what I did during the weekend.
- Chem prac. Didn't do some acid-base questions cos I did the MCQ at the back the previous night at 12.30. Didn't see the questions. Mr Wong wasn't too happy cos he said he spent so much time on the notes and we didn't do. It's not my fault! I didn't see the questions and I did the wrong ones!! But it is, cos again, I didn't do it over the weekend.
- Yesterday. Some irritating guy kept smsing me to ask me questions on some email. Was already feeling a little off tangent yesterday. He just made it worse. Sms and sms. Argh. But no, cannot scream at him. He smsed me during lessons to ask me something in the email. How would I know?? I'm not at home to check it! Doesn't he have lessons as well?!!
- Yet another sms last night to ask me to forward some info to a classmate.
- GP today. We didn't do our mind maps and Ms vignesh was not too happy with us. She said she told us to do it over the weekend and we ought to have done it. I couldn't do it cos I couldn't even finish homework for my other subs!! But then, it's my fault again.
- During lectures. Kept asking myself, "What am I doing???" Think I just got lost. Dot got lost. Somewhere. During physics lect, the two beside me were making noise. As usual, one couldn't understand and complained to the other and blah blah blah. To maintain sanity, I moved two seats cos the seat next to me didn't have a table. Didn't care liao.
- There were probably other stuff which affected me. I think that the philosophy method of questioning everything is dangerous. Cos nothing is certain anymore.
What am I doing? I am doing my homework. Why am I doing my homework? To get good grades and to avoid disappointing my teachers. Why? And I get lost along the way. And I'm not convinced that I have to do my homework but I have to do it anyway.
What is my place in the world? In my environment? How come I can't seem to be the person I want to be?

I'm still quite lost. But relatively in control now.

Just hope I don't do anything stupid in school again. Really bad.