Ah I survived one week without internet connection. On Monday, Mr Lee reminded me that I promised him to do better in the next CT. So decided to pull the plug on the wireless receiver thingy on weekdays so that I could have more time to do my homework. Long overdue. So pulled it out and junked it at some corner in my sister's room.

Recently, gl and I compiled a booklet which has alternating black and white pages. We intended it to be some sort of sketch book. Whenever we felt like it, we would just sit down and draw stuff in it...with pencils, crayons, chalk, etc. Quite fun actually. Drawing is very good therapy. Just realised that my English has gone down the drain. Everything I type sounds weird. Ok. Fine.

I just found out from my mother yesterday that my cousin's wedding is tomorrow. So cool. Everyone's getting married. Sweeping statement. Whatever.

I've not been myself lately. Been avoiding some people in class whom I normally hang out with. Lots of reasons. But mainly cos I just don't feel right. I don't feel very happy in class anymore. Most of the time. There's like only one or two people whom I want to sit with. Then they're always sitting with other people so that's fine. Also dunno what I'm doing anymore. I seem to be offending people on purpose. I know that what I do won't make them happy, but I do it anyway. I refuse to help people because I don't feel like it. Then they think like what's wrong with me and all that. Cos I'm normally not like that. But I seem to just want to push them to the limits of their patience. Just to see how patient they can actually be with me. And then I marvel at it.

I seem to be going down to the range very often nowadays. Sometimes during free periods, just to lie down and take a nap or rest. During PE, I go down to the range with gl to change. And hang out in the range after PE during free period. Then after school, I head straight for the range again. But I realised that I'm not the only one who does that. Meet quite a few people too. Haha.

Everyone's talking about why they blog. Hmm. Some people think that it's not good to showcase their feelings for everyone to see. Traditional chinese pride. Haha. Well. At this point in time, I don't really care that much. I just want to keep some record. Somewhere. Someday, if I decide that I don't want anyone to access my blog anymore, I can just delete everyone's passwords. Muahahahahaha. Evil. The beauty of diaryland. Lalala.

I haven't been intentionally killing insects anymore, except mosquitoes. The rest, I either let them off, flick them away or just ignore them. In the past, I would just squash them whenever I see them. But then I've this friend who doesn't like to kill insects. She doesn't like to kill anything. And she doesn't like to see other people killing insects. I've tried to reason with her that insects aren't really that significant and that they are pests. But then, she treats every life as something precious. Once after training, I went to look for her. It had just finished raining, so there were lots of those flying insects, the ones which appear after it rains. She was painting. When she was clearing up, she found that one of the insects had flown into her paint water and got stuck. She was like, "Oh no!" And she kept calling the insect stupid for flying into the paint cos it was dying. It's the sort of like... when a mother says to her child who tried to commit suicide, like "why are you so foolish?" That kind. I was quite amazed.

So I don't kill insects, not because I believe that their lives are significant, but because someone whom I like and respect cares for them.

I realised that I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid that the people I like might not feel the same, so I dare not get too close cos they might just think I'm a pest or something. So after a while, I just lose confidence and edge away a little.

That statement above is like a ticket to attack me. See. Just proves that I'm paranoid and fearful. Sweeping statement.

I've been at this entry for more than an hour.

Angst.

Blah.

Argh.

You tell me.